So New Girl ripped my heart out. Given, we’ve only been dating for two months, and I knew this moment had to come. Unfortunately we were doomed from the beginning. I don’t know what I expected to happen, because I’m leaving for Southeast Asia for a year and she has an acting career to concentrate on when she graduates college. I knew New Girl wasn’t the one, but she was definitely a kindred spirit—you know, someone that you connect with from the moment you meet them (we could always tell what was going on in each others’ head). I had no expectation that she would wait around for me for the year while I’m abroad, but I thought we were at least on the same page in wanting to enjoy this while it lasted.
NG spent a week in Mexico with her sister and her sister’s fiancee. When she came back she was a completely different person than the one I dropped off at the airport.
I’d had all this anticipation for Sunday night—waiting all week for her to return, making big plans to show her a great time for the next two weeks; I even designed a website for her acting portfolio while she was gone!
I know travel changes you (otherwise I wouldn’t be spending a year abroad) but six days apart shouldn’t make someone go from the “honey, baby, I love you” end of the spectrum to wanting nothing to do with you. I have my ideas about what happened, but frankly I don’t expect her to give me the explanation I deserve. I haven’t even heard her voice since Sunday night. I had to push her to tell me that we were actually broken up—and via text message no less!
I dunno what the hell is wrong with her, I just know how it feels. It feels like being effin’ dead inside. I can’t breathe, I can’t eat or sleep at times. I feel as though, once again, the world has proven to me that I can’t count on anybody but myself. At least NG’s given me my reason to move back.
Before the breakup, I almost settled for that sense of security. I mean, we were really happy. She’s a great girl, and we had a fantastic time together. When you’re with someone who makes you feel great, when you have someone to “come home to” and share life’s challenges with, it makes all the other shit almost bearable. But now I am reminded of why I wanted to get out of here in the first place.
I know I have a great life here in the States, but I’m also tired as shit of it. I have a few fantastic, close friends and some really supportive family, but I’m jaded. I’m a workaholic, which makes me stressed out and out-of-touch. I am often crushed to see how quickly some people can turn around and treat others like human trash, and without thinking twice about it. We are lucky in the U.S. to have so many freedoms, so much comfort and security, but a lot of people seem very unhappy—and I’ve long been one of them.
So this is why I’m leaving home for a while. I feel jaded with life here, and I don’t know why I’m here. I often feel like I wasn’t meant to be here—in this time, or on this planet, or something. I just don’t fit in. I don’t see anything I’d be interested in spending the next 60 years on. I’m just not into it. And I know I can’t expect life to be that different anywhere else, but I have to look around and see what else there is.
I’m not trying to get your sympathy vote or sell you a sad story. I know there are plenty of people out there in the world who have had it much rougher than I have. But after being in one place for all 24 years of my life, I can’t look around without being reminded of past failures, deceit, rejection, and so on, and this is just my way of dealing with the emotional baggage.
This is the point:
I should have started a lot sooner, but the idea is to sell everything I own, hit the road with a backpack, a laptop, and a week’s worth of clothing, and start fresh somewhere new. Piece by piece, I’m either selling or giving away everything that represents my old life. I’m going to go somewhere as different as I can possibly find—for a year, or however long it takes—with no set agenda. We’ll see what opportunities present themselves and where life takes me. I’ll be back, but for now I have to do this while I still can—while I’m not in a relationship, have no kids, no mortgage, no car payment…
Some people call it a quarterlife crisis! But it’s time for me to let go of all the reminders of a past life and move on to see what else life has to offer me.
Here’s how you can help:
I leave in 11 days! I have already sold a ton of my furniture and stuff. And I am listing a whole bunch more on Craigslist, but time is running out and I also just don’t have the energy or emotional capacity to get a fair price for all my things, what with all the travel planning, running my business, and the breakup running through my head at all times! Please checkout some of the stuff I have below. If you’re interested or know someone who might be, please get in touch. I just need to rid myself of as many material possessions as I can for now, and if I can give them a happy new home, or help you guys get your hands on some things that you might find useful, then that’d be great. For local Sacramento-area friends or family, of course I’m willing to give you some of this stuff for cheap or free if you’re interested, so let me know (that excludes the car or the iMac, now!):
- 1998 Pontiac Sunfire GT (5-speed) – $1500 OBO
- 2.4 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo iMac – 2GB Memory/500GB Hard Drive, Loaded with Software, Latest Mac OSX, just bought in February – Asking $1100 OBO
- Men’s Research Dynamics Mountain bike – $45
- Bench Press + 100lb weights set – $40
- Mexican Classic Acoustic (Paracho) Guitar – $35
- 2 box speakers – $20
- VCR – FREE for local friends
- A buncha DVDs and Books I’m getting rid of – Also free for local friends if you want to look through them
I will write more soon about my trip and what I hope to get out of it, but for now, thanks for your support and your help!
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Great soulful, personal post. Totally.
I’m glad that you’re getting out there and away from what confuses and/or makes you unhappy. It may only take six weeks for you to realize you have something to come back for…or you may never find it, but instead learn to DEAL.
If you want to try Canada (which probably is more of the same), get in touch.
*do you have an old Pancho for sale, or FREE?! didn’t see one on your list…actually, you may need that.
hey cody. sorry to hear about NG. and im really glad that you want to try something else somewhere else. thats awfully brave of you. ive had those thoughts about moving and leaving for so long as well, but as you can see i still have yet to get out of the bubble. if you ever go find yourself in the philippines let me know. i should be there sometime in july 09 or so.
I’m sure your head will be abuzz for the next several days, but when you set foot in Thailand, it’ll be a lot different. Soak in as much as you can. Since you’re going over there with little, you’ve got a great opportunity to just ride life where it takes you. Do everything you can, and go with one goal:
To have the time of your life.
That’s what I did when I went abroad. And heck, that was only 3 months. I can only imagine what else I could have done with a whole year. So don’t keep too much fuzz in your head, keep your chin up, and have the time of your life.
But I know you’ll do fine. Why? Because you’re good enough, smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like you!
Cody,
I’m glad I randomly clicked on your site and learned of your struggles and your exciting adventure coming up. I don’t know why some people, and it seems women do this more times than not — I’m not trying to be sexist — just cut everything off. Without warning. Maybe us guys are too thick headed with our own agenda to see the warning signs, but I digress. And through texting no less!
Yes had it happen to me as well (girl left, no warning, through text). And I wasn’t even dating!
It seems as our society grows so connected in superficial ways, (global communication being one aspect), true, heartfelt connection becomes rare. Then people with potentially honest hearts use superficial ways as an escape. Each one of us must make the decision to be vulnerable even when not reciprocated.
Technology eliminates heart-to-heart, face-to-face vulnerability.
Here is where I stand on the issue, and you know I’m being true: I choose to walk in forgiveness, faith and love toward those that not only forget me (the most hurtful of deeds) but who also act out in anger or offense; choosing love instead of bitterness or forgetfulness (who in their right mind believes ‘time’ heals all wounds? What a lie!) is the only way to move on.
Love is not a door mat. It is not hopeless nor serves selfish intentions. Its not fearful or revengeful. Love doesn’t run away when the ‘going gets tough.’
A man once wrote, “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (1 cor. 13:4-8 NKJ)
You know Cody, wherever you go, whatever you do or end up believing, I pray you would know this: the true love that you seek — the true love we all seek — is given by Jesus alone.
Ya, that is rather a ‘christianese’ statement, offends a lot of people, excludes other faiths, is not a popular idea within modern culture, doesn’t really effect your emotions directly — it may seem like an empty sentiment. But to the heart that says, ‘ok, I’m through running, come in;’ to that heart great love and joy abounds throughout any circumstance.
I pray you never find what you think you are looking for but rather that which you do not consider worth finding now will overtake you later. Take care Cody.
I also dropped alot of the possessions this year and travelled to Baja Mexico, Australia, Yukon, and across Canada – with our 2 kid’s. Everyone can unload a bit of stuff ( it is abundant) and feel the freedom to roam.
go out and play, Allie
Cody – I can’t begin to tell you how much your post resonated with me. For two years since I graduated college and moved back to my hometown I’ve felt the same stagnation — wanting something, not sure how to get it, not even sure what it is. I became cynical and jaded – the complete opposite of my usually optimistic, bubbly, dreamer-self. Truly, I had lost who I was, so caught up with trying to pay the bills and the rent and find whatever it was I was looking for.
But then serendipity came my way in the form of an advertisement for a month-long writer’s retreat in France. I looked at it as a way to find my spunk again, my desire for independence, as well as a way to escape and rediscover a passion that I thought had been lost. It seemed like a crazy idea, but, like you, I had nothing holding me back except for myself. So I did it. And sometimes I still can’t believe the adventure.
While I had been overseas to France and England before, this time I was completely on my own, totally self-reliant. And I knew that it was time to sink or swim. For awhile, I thought that I was sinking. I was plagued with terrible bouts of homesickness and travel troubles, but when I came home, I was a changed person — more appreciative of what I had left and stronger and so proud of myself for having done this on my own. I had found what I was looking for — what I was looking for was my reason for being, my independent streak, myself.
You say that you don’t know why you’re meant to be here, that you feel like you’re meant for some other time or place…Those words echo my own sentiments almost exactly. Maybe it’s the romantic in me, or maybe it’s the writer, but I feel like I was born in the wrong time, the wrong place, like I was meant for something else. And I think that’s why other places appeal so much, why they feel so much like home. Maybe it’s just the past seeping through.
But I also think we need to find a reason to be here, despite that longing for something else. This is your time, your opportunity to find out what’s right for you, to find out why you’re meant to be here, to rediscover yourself, your passions, to find even more opportunities through this incredible experience. From your post on BC, you’ve already taken that leap. Don’t lose heart; you’re doing exactly what you’re meant to be doing and although I don’t know you, I’m so happy and so proud that you’ve gone this far.
When you go back home, you’ll be changed, but if you let it, it can only be for the better.
Wishing you a happy, safe, and worthwhile journey.
Cody, this post is heart wrenching, but I hope you are OK by now.
Basically, what I think is that , your girlfriend had the space between you two and the time to think through things. Also, she might be getting some advices from her sister. After all, you are going to leave soon so she might have figured out it is not so good to continue on the relationship. I do not blame her too. And don’t blame yourself also.
Enjoy your trip to Southeast Asia. Btw, I am from Malaysia, so hope you have chance to visit here.
Everyone, thank you again for your thoughtful comments on this emotional post. It is sincerely appreciated.
@Susan P., thanks for visiting and great to hear about your like-minded adventures in France. Glad that you ended up swimming rather than sinking!
@Susan L., thanks for stopping by! I appreciate your thoughts & viewpoint on the ex-gf and thanks for the good wishes on my trip.
I hope you are ok. I've been through that before. It's big of you to share such painful feelings with everyone. I keep all my pain inside…and it hurted so much. All I'd do is sit in my room and listen to Depeche Mode. I knew that there was more fish in the sea, but I wanted the fish that I had already caught…though it slipped away like sand through fingers.
Thanks for your story.
Awesome way to do it. I’m doing this myself… leaving in 30 days. Thanks for the info!
Honest, open an absolutely inspiring. You have balls my friend, I’m saving to do the same thing in Malaysia next year, I am bored of England and am surrounded by so much negativity and need to escape before it’s infectious. Well done you bro